Thursday, October 4, 2012

Meet Brittle Britney

Britney's got a secret. Her mind's good at keeping it, but her body just betrays it in alarming ways.

Clearly, she's seen things. Horrible things. Things so horrible that it takes every waking moment and ingested calorie to stave off the realization that things are, in fact, the polar opposite of Just Fine.

There's that old airhead joke that if you put your ear to hers, you could hear the ocean, however, in this case it'd be true but only if the ocean was made of screaming.

What could possibly have made her this way? She's only a camp counselor, after all.

That standard-issue camping knife of hers isn't anything spectacular in and of itself, but she can be so clumsy with it sometimes. A smattering of Band-Aids attest to her little "accidents" that increase in frequency around the time of every new arrival of campers.

The Britney ScareActor is stationed in an alcove hidden just inside the entry to the maze. Guests will be ambushed by unexpectedly shrieked demands for camp songs and smiles and happy thoughts. Why are you not singing? Do you not want to be happy? If you don't want to be happy yourself, how can you wish happiness for others?! Why are you against happiness when IT'S THE ONLY THING WE HAVE LEFT! LOOK AT THE SMILEY FACE BUTTON AND LET IT JUDGE IF YOU ARE THE ENEMY!

When casting for the Britney role, look for pronounced neck tendons, listen for a shrill voice, and smell for the crazy.

Tomorrow: The Bus Crash Scene

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